Sunday, 29 September 2013

List

It is always a delight, the morning after a night out with my esteemed colleague Zippy, to check my phone to find out how I entertained myself on the long, boring walk home from the pub.

Sometimes it's photos:















Sometimes it's (mercifully unsent) tweets:

"hope yr toile got fixed or it there am unexpected item in yr baggage area?"

Today, it was additions to today's calendar/'to do' list. See if you can spot them:

  • isa bonus expiry date 30/9/13
  • nhs march, manchester
  • make livvy's birthday card
  • asda - post office
  • PICK UP FUCKING CAR
  • collect brantano boots b4 4pm
  • GO TO NERO TO PERV AT [redacted]
  • get rent £ out
  • go and do some fucking shopping
  • FUCKING MOUSE BASTARD SINK

5 comments:

Some Bloke said...

I read a book about Freud once about 10 years ago, so I feel I'm more than qualified to make the following judgement on your psyche.

Let's take a look at two similar list items here:

PICK UP FUCKING CAR
FUCKING MOUSE BASTARD SINK

Both in shouty caps to convey displeasure, possibly anger, both featuring the 12mm spanner of expletives "FUCKING" to further emphasise your rage.

But what else does that word mean? Coitus, giggity, bow-chick-a-wow-wow, ohohohohgodyesdon'tfuckingstopyoubastardjustkeepgoing. To be clear, I'm talkin' bout the sex.

And this brings me onto a third list item:

GO TO NERO TO PERV AT [redacted]

Also in caps, also sitting at the complex junction between passion and rage, focusing as it does on the lucky object of your lustful desires.

As your soul-doctor, my advice is to go, go to Nero and get some of that angry, brutal loving you crave so badly from [redacted] and don't stop until you make him beg for respite from your relentless, insatiable hunger.

You owe it to yourself.

Some Bloke said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Some Bloke said...

I accidentally posted two copies of that comment so I deleted the duplicate, and now I'm writing this explanation because I didn't want you sitting up all night wondering what I could possibly have said and then changed my mind about.

But now I realise you'll probably see that you have three comments and get all excited about all that sweet, sweet audience interaction, only to be disappointed by the grim reality that there's only really one comment worth speaking of here.

Or maybe you've just got back from mauling [redacted] to within an inch (or about 6.5 on average) of his life and you don't really care either way. In which case, internet high-five!

One Fine Weasel said...

Thank you doctor. Your perspicacity is audacious and uncanny.

Although I suspect there may be a teeny weeny element of projection in your diagnosis? Just a hunch x

Some Bloke said...

Can't believe you said I have odourous perspiration - I was only trying to be helpful :(